Night Terrors

"Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around..."

Last night, I spent four and a half hours walking around downtown, from around 10:30pm to 3:15am.  I saw groups of guys walking around, riding skateboards, screaming, and at one point I even thought they were yelling at me.  The cops picked some of them up, and I was afraid they would pick me up, too.

After all, I had been aimlessly walking for hours.

I almost wanted something to shake me out of my funk.  I wanted my heart to beat hard, adrenaline to pump my veins, tears threaten to spill down my cheeks...  I wanted to run.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to stand on the top of a building and scream triumph out to the world.

Am I selfish?  Maybe.

"Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around..."

Despite all the assurances in my life, despite every person around me telling me over and over that I'm worth it, I'm loved––why is it never enough?

Why can't I believe those words?  Because maybe, maybe I hear them whispered in the dark, in tunnels, spoken through lying lips by people who want to trap me.  Maybe I'm like Toby*, giving love out to people and promising to protect them, hoping I'll get the same in return––when in reality, someone is just waiting to kill me.

No, no, no.  It isn't true.  It isn't true.  The girl sits in the bathtub, trying to breathe, trying not to drown.  It's okay, it's okay, she whispers.  Let it go, she tells her trembling fingers as they refuse to obey her.

What is it like, living this strange nightlife?  What is it like, living with the knowledge that people come into your life and then drop you when they discover more interesting things?  What is it like, knowing you have f*cked several friends up alongside yourself, and for that you won't ever be forgiven?

The mirror is hazy.  She washes her hands frantically, trying to calm herself down.  She hears her friends out in the living room, laughing, talking, having fun.  Relax, she whispers.  It's okay.  But it's not.  She knows it's not because there are tears on her cheeks.  It's 1:30am, and there's no one she can call to talk to.  Shaking, she wipes her face and leaves the bathroom. 

I'll tell you what it is like.  It's going for a five hour walk in the dark hours of the morning in the middle of downtown.  It's leaning up against a building at 3:00am, trying not to fall asleep, but not wanting to go home and be alone.

It's watching cars slow down when they see you, and wondering if you should run, or stay where you are and take your chances.  It's loving the beat of your heart against your chest when you're scared because that means you're alive.

It's wanting to scream.  It's wanting to write words with blood.  It's wanting to create something out of pain.  It's wanting to give love, and receive love in return.  And not just receive it, but feel worth receiving that love.

It's wanting to lose all the guilt you carry inside your chest like a suffocating weight that punishes you any time you start to feel happy.

It's 2:30am.  A cop car slowly circles the block.  The girl stays where she is, leaning up against a brick building.  If the car picks her up, what can they do?  She isn't breaking any laws.  She is tired, but her mind is alive, alive, alive.


Artists are cursed, I guess.  They are the dreamers.  The plagued.  The gifted.  The shunned.

But with our demons, we create art, do we not?  For dusk belongs to the creatures of the night, and an artist is such a creature.

-An Artist


**Toby from Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.  
     What can I say?  I'm a BFA Major.

Camino de Santiago

Recently, I embarked on an adventure.  I hiked 200 miles of the Camino de Santiago, a pilgrimage that has been journeyed since ancient times.  If you want to research it a bit, American Pilgrims on the Camino is a good place to start.  It starts in France and continues throughout Spain, and ends at Santiago de Compostela, where the Cathedral de Compostela is [the supposed resting place of St. James].

It was incredible.

College

So...folks...I'm back!  Back from Wyoming, back from my job, and off to school!  [Yeah, I know you missed me.]

No.  Actually, I don't know that.  But that's beside the point.

College life, everybody, is more like glorified freedom.  I say freedom loosely.  In this case, it means A) staying up late, B) doing what you want, and C) making new friends.

Of course, you're A) staying up late because you have to study for the test that is DUE tomorrow, or writing that paper that you got assigned, or reading over the syllabus to see what you missed.

And you can B) do anything you want, as long as it involves going to classes, doing homework, and going to more classes.

And C) the friends you make while studying and freaking out about the work that is due the next day will stick with you.

Until you both fail the class together.

I paint such a bleak picture of life.

No, actually, aside from studying and going to classes and eating in the cafeteria and going to more classes and then staying up late to study, I am enjoying college.  My Intro to Theatre class is by far my favorite.  I am also taking Racquetball [had to have a PE class, and you know me!  I also may or may not have a giant red welt on my thigh from an adversary power-hitting the ball unintentionally toward me], and British Lit. [which is hard, but awesome].

Along with that, I'm taking Honors Old Testament and Honors Colloquium since I am in the Honors Program [which is another way of saying I'M SCARED TO DEATH BECAUSE OF THE AMOUNT OF WORK AND RESPONSIBILITY but also excited because I enjoy those two classes and all the Honors people.]

That...is about it.

My life is so exciting.  I know it.  And so do you.

Cheers.

-R.D.

P.S. Trying to find time to write in The Lightcatcher has been pretty much nonexistent.  So, I'm sorry about that for those of you who care.  For those of you who don't care, or who don't even know what The Lightcatcher is, then I am sorry as well.

That is all.

Wyoming

Here are a few pictures of where I'm working this summer!

Travel, Gypsy Soul, and Wishing...

Sometimes, do you ever wish you could just leave the life you're in right now and go someplace else?  Anywhere in the world?  I do.  So many times a day, I wish I could go somewhere, anywhere, and just live an adventure.  

And even more so today, when the central Texas heat is shimmering outside and the air conditioner has gone MIA without leave and my mom has decided to steal my fan and use it as her own.

Right now, what I wish, is to be someplace cool––even cold, maybe.  Perhaps swimming crystal waters, tan and skinny and effortlessly pretty.

Or walking a highland moor.  Or enjoying a cup of chilled coffee in a café far from America.

Or perhaps sitting on a cliff, high above the world, looking down on everything spread below me.

I don't know.  They're fancies.  Fancies that become dreams that I will hopefully turn into reality someday.  

Where would you go?

What I'm Doing this Summer!

So.  It's official.  I'm the world's worst blogger.  I haven't posted anything since March!

Sorry about that.  [Oh, yeah, you say...  An apology will make everything better.]  Ha-ha.  Who am I kidding?  I don't have that big of an audience.

So, updates––AKA, what I am doing this summer: Six weeks during the months of June/July/August, I will be staying up in Wyoming [for those of you who don't know, I'm a Texan] and working on a dude ranch up there as a wrangler.

Go on.  Be jealous.


I am really excited!  The ranch itself sits almost in the shadow of the Grand Teton, so the scenery is gorgeous and absolutely breathtaking!  I will have lots of pictures to post here.

[That's a picture of the mountains surrounding the ranch.]



Things I Have Done Since Last Post:

1.  Finished the first part of The Lightcatcher [ecstatic about that!]

2.  Graduated highschool [I like to think I'm ecstatic about that as well, but then I realize that maybe I don't want to be an adult and go back to drawing unicorns in my coloring book and drinking chocolate milk through a straw.]

3.  Finished with all 4-H activities [i.e., State Contests, Fair Week, and NO record book!]

4.  Um....I have an uninteresting life.

So yeah, that's about it.  Oh, and I'm kind of freaking out about packing/what to pack for WY.  If any of y'all have gone on trips and forgot something that you desperately needed, or found something that was useful, LET ME KNOW!  Any advice is much appreciated.  

[Considering that I know almost every person who follows this blog...that question might be counterproductive.  Oh well.]

So long, people!

-Newsie