Night Terrors

"Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around..."

Last night, I spent four and a half hours walking around downtown, from around 10:30pm to 3:15am.  I saw groups of guys walking around, riding skateboards, screaming, and at one point I even thought they were yelling at me.  The cops picked some of them up, and I was afraid they would pick me up, too.

After all, I had been aimlessly walking for hours.

I almost wanted something to shake me out of my funk.  I wanted my heart to beat hard, adrenaline to pump my veins, tears threaten to spill down my cheeks...  I wanted to run.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to stand on the top of a building and scream triumph out to the world.

Am I selfish?  Maybe.

"Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around..."

Despite all the assurances in my life, despite every person around me telling me over and over that I'm worth it, I'm loved––why is it never enough?

Why can't I believe those words?  Because maybe, maybe I hear them whispered in the dark, in tunnels, spoken through lying lips by people who want to trap me.  Maybe I'm like Toby*, giving love out to people and promising to protect them, hoping I'll get the same in return––when in reality, someone is just waiting to kill me.

No, no, no.  It isn't true.  It isn't true.  The girl sits in the bathtub, trying to breathe, trying not to drown.  It's okay, it's okay, she whispers.  Let it go, she tells her trembling fingers as they refuse to obey her.

What is it like, living this strange nightlife?  What is it like, living with the knowledge that people come into your life and then drop you when they discover more interesting things?  What is it like, knowing you have f*cked several friends up alongside yourself, and for that you won't ever be forgiven?

The mirror is hazy.  She washes her hands frantically, trying to calm herself down.  She hears her friends out in the living room, laughing, talking, having fun.  Relax, she whispers.  It's okay.  But it's not.  She knows it's not because there are tears on her cheeks.  It's 1:30am, and there's no one she can call to talk to.  Shaking, she wipes her face and leaves the bathroom. 

I'll tell you what it is like.  It's going for a five hour walk in the dark hours of the morning in the middle of downtown.  It's leaning up against a building at 3:00am, trying not to fall asleep, but not wanting to go home and be alone.

It's watching cars slow down when they see you, and wondering if you should run, or stay where you are and take your chances.  It's loving the beat of your heart against your chest when you're scared because that means you're alive.

It's wanting to scream.  It's wanting to write words with blood.  It's wanting to create something out of pain.  It's wanting to give love, and receive love in return.  And not just receive it, but feel worth receiving that love.

It's wanting to lose all the guilt you carry inside your chest like a suffocating weight that punishes you any time you start to feel happy.

It's 2:30am.  A cop car slowly circles the block.  The girl stays where she is, leaning up against a brick building.  If the car picks her up, what can they do?  She isn't breaking any laws.  She is tired, but her mind is alive, alive, alive.


Artists are cursed, I guess.  They are the dreamers.  The plagued.  The gifted.  The shunned.

But with our demons, we create art, do we not?  For dusk belongs to the creatures of the night, and an artist is such a creature.

-An Artist


**Toby from Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.  
     What can I say?  I'm a BFA Major.

Scotland, Theatre, and Other News!

So, my lovelies, I have been absent for a while.  But a lot has been happening.

First of all, The Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, Scotland: the biggest fine arts festival in the world.  Hardin-Simmons University Theatre Department (my school) is taking a play to perform in August, entitled "The Shadow Box".  Beautiful, beautiful show.  And I am honored to say I have been cast.

So, Scotland.  This is a chance in a lifetime to go to one of the places I have longed to visit, and perform theatre, nonetheless!

However.  Funds are pretty low, and cost is pretty high.  There is a neat little gadget on the sidebar that will allow people to donate to my GoFundMe.  If you don't want to donate [that's totally fine] consider telling other people, or people who have a love of theatre and/or travel.  Every dollar helps.  Sharing helps get the word out.


Here is the link straight to the webpage for my GoFundMe:
https://www.gofundme.com/ReaganDyer


Also, I'm on the HSU Webpage [shown below] where you can also donate if you would rather: http://fund.hsutx.edu/site/TR/Events/General/705957980?pg=team&fr_id=1231&team_id=1354

Reagan Dyer is a junior BFA Acting candidate, Honors minor from Evant, Texas and works in the HSU Theatre Scene Shop. She recently was seen in Check Please and was the assistant stage manager and lighting designer of the HSU production of Trevor. She has been seen in the HSU production of Hay Fever, The Prophet Darla, A Midsummer Night’s Dream, DirectFest 2014, DirectFest 2015, Sweeney Todd and Sense and Sensibility. She was the  light board operator and assistant stage manager for Abilene Live Theatre’s first summer season in 2015. She is the Chaplain of Alpha Psi Omega Honorary Dramatic Fraternity.

Pain

I want to write a post on pain.  Why?  Because I've experienced it.  Details are too many and too personal to write down in one blog post.  I haven't had an awful life.  I had a wonderful childhood [despite being brought up with serious body-image issues] and I'm happy.  I'm in college, in love with my major, surrounded by supporting friends.

That being said, however, I have gone through pain.  At this point in my life, the taste of pain is very familiar on my tongue.  And I say that because it's true, not because I'm screaming for attention.  Recently, an event in my life took my heart, chewed it up, and spit it back into the school semester.  It was hard to deal with.  It was painful to deal with.  And I'm still trying to come to terms with it.

But I've learned a lot through it:

Bulletin Stories: War is Hell

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I have various pictures tacked up on my bulletin board and I have written something about each one.

-R.D.

"I want to kiss him.  I want to kiss his mouth and make him forget––forget everything he has seen; every horror he has witnessed; every injury he has sustained.  Every person he has killed.  For a couple seconds, I want to kiss him, hard, and then I want to lose myself in those eyes."

College

So...folks...I'm back!  Back from Wyoming, back from my job, and off to school!  [Yeah, I know you missed me.]

No.  Actually, I don't know that.  But that's beside the point.

College life, everybody, is more like glorified freedom.  I say freedom loosely.  In this case, it means A) staying up late, B) doing what you want, and C) making new friends.

Of course, you're A) staying up late because you have to study for the test that is DUE tomorrow, or writing that paper that you got assigned, or reading over the syllabus to see what you missed.

And you can B) do anything you want, as long as it involves going to classes, doing homework, and going to more classes.

And C) the friends you make while studying and freaking out about the work that is due the next day will stick with you.

Until you both fail the class together.

I paint such a bleak picture of life.

No, actually, aside from studying and going to classes and eating in the cafeteria and going to more classes and then staying up late to study, I am enjoying college.  My Intro to Theatre class is by far my favorite.  I am also taking Racquetball [had to have a PE class, and you know me!  I also may or may not have a giant red welt on my thigh from an adversary power-hitting the ball unintentionally toward me], and British Lit. [which is hard, but awesome].

Along with that, I'm taking Honors Old Testament and Honors Colloquium since I am in the Honors Program [which is another way of saying I'M SCARED TO DEATH BECAUSE OF THE AMOUNT OF WORK AND RESPONSIBILITY but also excited because I enjoy those two classes and all the Honors people.]

That...is about it.

My life is so exciting.  I know it.  And so do you.

Cheers.

-R.D.

P.S. Trying to find time to write in The Lightcatcher has been pretty much nonexistent.  So, I'm sorry about that for those of you who care.  For those of you who don't care, or who don't even know what The Lightcatcher is, then I am sorry as well.

That is all.